147 break! Providence, RI, August 2011

Upon my return to The Cultural Desert, I wanted something American. What can be more American than a hamburger? However, it should be noted that Hamburger derived from Hamburg, Germany as far back as the 15th Century.

Snookers pronounced 'sn-oh-kers' here in Rhode Island is a sports bar with more character than another toothless display by The Three Lions. You cannot miss the hideous sign as you roll into Providence. Mad Dog Gaddafi would use with one of those signs and do everyone a favour. Inside was cavernous with high ceilings. I was expecting Val Kilmer to stroll out in his bat suit with a bottle of Bud Light. There were more flat screen TVs than a looter's front room showing glorified rounders and big girls running around in pads. It all felt industrial and dare I say it, cool. It reminded me of Fabric in London minus the Body Sonics and oh so trendy clubbers.

 Perusing the drinks menu like a parched Hun, I was looking for a hearty lager for some laryngeal lubrication. I noticed under the Malt Beverages, Smirnoff Ice (Canada) and Lindemans. After doing research, 'Malt Beverages' in the US are basically beers but have additional flavours to make them taste, for example, fruity. But Smirnoff Ice is not Canadian. Clang. After clearing up that ongoing mental polemicising, I chose the Flying Dog Old Scratch. Big mistake amplified by the fact that I got the 22 oz version. It tasted like a diabetic's urine sample and complemented my Texas Special Burger as well as tipsy John Galliano and a couple of glasses of plonk. The Texas Special was certainly special though. It was especially big. Philipp Hildebrand should would have no problem hiding some Swiss Francs in this burger. It was big, juicy and so American. I think it had a bun, some lettuce, tomatoes and onion rings. I'm not sure because the patty was just so overwhelmingly devouring.

The Ho Down says: Snookered but kept coming back to the table.