Meaty genius, somewhere in Virginia, Summer 2005

One of my fondest memories of American's finest gastr-ho-moment has to be Wendy's. I am sure that there was a Wendy's in Croydon town centre somewhere where RBS now stands. Maybe someone can confirm or otherwise?

My first American experience of Wendy's was in 2001 when I was at summer camp in the upstate New York. Achtung! My German friend told me of a fast food burger that surpassed even The King. Surely not! I remember taking my first ever trip in a yellow school bus to a mall to feast my noshers on a Wendy's Triple Deluxe burger. I thought those yellow buses only existed in the movies. Fast forward a couple of years and I experienced another Wendy's delight with The Phlap.

We were driving back home after testing the automatic transmission in our motor when we stopped off at a Wendy's. I had been ranting about the holy grail of absurd fast food burgers for days. We didn't back down and ordered the Triple Deluxe. No questions asked unlike Congress's stance on the legality of US troops in Gadaffi's backyard. This monstronsity consists of three square patties in a round bun. Whoever thought of serving square burgers in a round bun should lobby for the vacant post at the IMF. This burger definitely puts the beefy into Sir Ian Botham. I was hit for six as was The Phlap. The American dream, in the shape a Triple Deluxe, was fat and festering in its bespoke Wendy's foil wrapping like Kim Kardashian after a workout. It was filthy like Louis Walsh in a nightclub toilet but was devilishly gluttonous as an Ashley Cole slumber party in LA. The actual patties were alright. Everything about the stereotype of American food was packaged into this burger. It was excessive, it was greasy (like Cristiano Ronaldo's barnet), it was made by a coloured person (with the money going to a white person), it was cheap (unlike the Libyan war to taxpayers) and it was devoid of any natural taste. Serve a Wendy's burger to one of the tribesman discovered in the Brazilian rainforest and watch him claim social security first thing in the morning, it was that good (or the UK version: watch him queue outside Lunar House, Croydon, first thing in the morning). This burger was truly mind boggling. Due to the absurd enormity of the meal I thought that not even Ryan Clearly would be able to hack into this. Nevertheless, after relentless banter relating finishing the meal and penis size the Triple Deluxe was no more.

The HoDown says: The video says it all.